Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Wednesday Witter #7: Another christening

Births and christenings.

They are always emotional times, and for me tinged with acute longing for holding in my arms my two missing babies.
Sometimes I expect the feeling, sometimes I don't. But it invariably finds its way to me and, when it catches me unaware, it hits me hard.

During our holidays we held Tadpole's christening in France. We met one morning with Deacon P. to choose the readings and hymns.
P. has known us for a while. He knew us when we lived in France and he's christened DD2 and DS. He generally gives us the book, goes through it with us, we exchange news about the children. His are grown up now but one of his sons was a Scout when I was a leader and he once came to stay with us in England.
Then he lets us get on with our choices in our own time.
Having been through 3 christenings we know pretty well which sort of readings and hymns we like. For one of the hymns we chose one of my favourite about the Holy Spirit. However we didn't have the verses of the hymns, just the titles. And I forgot that this lovely hymn always reminds me of my baby boys...

So there we were, the day of the Christening. Tadpole in her pretty white dress. We started going through the service (it was during the week, so outside of a Sunday service, just us), listening to the readings, singing.
And then we started singing 'the' hymn and that line : "A child's heart is enough to console a mother".

The thing is... The first time I was pregnant I was incredibly excited, by my bump first showing, by the first kick, the first scan, the first time I heard his heart. And every time I heard his heart was such a joy. Then there was the hospital and the silent heart monitor.
The night I was told that my baby had died, I had to think up a fantasy to be able to sleep. I imagined that his heart was beating so quietly that they couldn't see it on the scan. But when my baby would be born they would realise and save him... His heart would console me.

In my following pregnancies there was always the underlying fear that I wouldn't hear my baby's heart. I would feel relief at hearing the little drumming sound but not joy, not really. That was a difficult thing to grieve, the joy of expecting.

So... I hear this line and the tears come, silently. It's not anymore tears of grief, a fierce and loud spring. It is quiet but constant, a gentle stream that will always be in my heart, tears of sadness.

Happiness and sadness ARE so very close in life, always hand in hand.

Births and christenings.

8 comments:

  1. This is very moving....what an experience. So with you on the happiness/sadness going hand in hand. Tears come with both.

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  2. Yes they do. And as the births of my children were happy occasions but making me think of the babies I lost too, I was reduced to a blubbing mess!

    Thanks for commenting :)

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  3. Such a heart/gut-wrenching post. I can't begin to imagine, but I will say a little prayer tonight...

    xx

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    1. Some of the wonderful gifts my little boys gave me are all the heart-warming support and love we've received from people, long time friends, new friends or even near strangers.

      Thank you for your thought. xxx

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  4. "Happiness and sadness ARE so very close in life, always hand in hand."

    So, so true. Sending a virtual hug your way.

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    1. Thank you Kate. I just visited your lovely blog, sending a hug too, xxx

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