I have been somewhat neglecting my blog these past months... The thing is, I am training as a breastfeeding counsellor with the NCT and a change of the university which validates the diploma has meant that dead lines have suddenly been zooming towards me at an alarming speed!
In short I have been busy writing assignments and found myself with no room for blogging.
I don't know how you write your blog, but personally I need to find a thought, taste it, chew it, ponder it, turn it round and round in my head, until I can put it in a post. It's a bit the same when I write an essay, I think about my subject, I research, I taste the ideas, etc. So while I have been concocting essays in my head, there wasn't much room for blog posts... It sounds a bit pathetic - small head I have - but there you go.
So it's only fair that this part of my life feeds my blogging today... One of my last assignment was about developping my role as a breastfeeding counsellor in the future. And frankly, at first, I just wanted to say 'I'm not even qualified yet, give me a break!' But write it I must so I chose to talk about the role of doula, or birth companion. Birth is after all a fairly important factor in the initation of breastfeeding.
Anyway, I researched what the work of a doula is about and found out lots of very interesting things, until I came to 'challenges and issues' which was one of the topics I had to develop in my essay.
Now if you read my blog you might know that I lost two baby boys at 32 weeks of pregnancy. My first baby, 11 years ago, and my fourth baby, 5 years ago. I know that, as a breastfeeding counsellor, I might work with parents who have lost a baby and I'm fine with that. I even think, feel, that my experience could be useful to others.
But what if I became a doula and met... myself ? What if I talked to a mother, in the last stage of pregnancy, got to know her and planned with her the birth she would like, and then one day she would call me, distraught, because she's been told that her baby's heart has stopped and she needs me to be with her for the birth...
When I lost my first baby I was so shocked and distressed that my first thoughts were to just get rid of my bump as fast as possible. Then, as I was induced, I took refuge in fantasies about my baby still being alive, his heart beating only very weakly. The doctors would realise it at the birth and they would save him...
Before the birth I didn't know if I wanted to see him. I was scared of what I could see... But when the midwife took him in her arms and looked at him with love and exclaimed "Oh, he's beautiful!" Of course I wanted to see him, and he was beautiful indeed. That midwife gave me such a precious, incommensurable gift. Would I be able to do the same gift to another mother ?
I would need to work on my own experience and as jagged as was the wound, it's healed fairly well now. The scar still hurts sometimes but I can bear it. I would have to take a surgical knife to it to open the wound again and go poking into it, have a good lookk around, then do a neat suture.
Can I ? Could you ?